The BBW Slay 2021 Dating Chronicles
Dating as a Black girl is tough af. But dating as a plus sized woman can be dreadful as hell. You have to balance between “Damn…does he like Black women…because that hairline says issa no", while simultaneously questioning “Does he like his girls BBW?” Whew chile! Needless to say, it’s a whole lotta!
At the end of 2019, I randomly reconnected with a former trash ass fling and after that night of regret, I made a pact with God that I would cut off dating for 2020 to heal and just take a damn break, HELL. Well, COVID made that goal easy (laughing but also weeping a little). Even though COVID’s uglass is still here, I’m ready to give this dating game another try. This is the dawn of a new series that will capture my dating experiences in 2021. Names will NOT be used, because ain’t nobody got time for that!
Date One: 1/4/2021
Aight, so it’s been hella long since I have even been in quasi close proximity with a heterosexual male, so the thought of going out on a date felt like trying to ride a bike after 2 decades AFTER gaining 50 lbs…the shit is hard. **Sigh** So, here’s the story.
Preparation for the Date
So in good ol’ Aries fashion I was high key unbothered about the date. I thought I would have had anxiety on 1 million, but I was surprisingly pretty chill. I know this is vain as hell, but I was most excited about just dressing up and looking pretty FOR ME! This rude ass pandemic can turn the most fashionable slayer to Miss Frump n’ Stump. So I put on a face and served a lewk.
The guy asked me to choose a place, so I prioritized locations with outdoor, heated seating, because wtf I’m not about to do is risk getting COVID for no dudes.
The Date
So, I selected this really quaint place overlooking a gorgeous lake--the pastoral beauty was simply breathtaking. It was the perfect scene from my favorite rom-coms. You already know that’s not how it went down, right? So I arrive ALMOST on time (which is a victory for me) and received several compliments from friendly strangers on how cute I looked as I followed the hostess to the table. I get to the table and the guy stands and gives a lackluster “hello". COVID-19 exacerbates awkwardness so we don’t hug because again, ain’t nobody got time for rona. The first thing the guy asks me after I sat down was, “What made you choose this place.” The tone was off-putting as hell, but in my mind I’m like, “be nice…behave, sis.” So I respond with, “I selected a place with outdoor, heated seating.” **Sigh** The guy goes on to say, “That’s it…I thought we would have gotten barbecue.” BRUHHHHHH…if YOU wanted barbecue wtf didn’t you say that?!?! As a proud Memphis native, there are a plethora of options I could have presented. I immediately grabbed my phone and said I had no problem going somewhere else and found another spot nearby, but he insisted that since we were already at the current restaurant, we could just stay. But he literally mentioned wanting damn barbecue 4 different times thereafter. The waitress was chipper and nice and compliments me and says, “You look so nice", while dude just glanced at me for half a second and said nothing in his effortless ensemble of a casual button down and jeans. I already know I’m fine as hell, and I don’t need validation, but also damn, mane!
Once the food arrives, the energy somewhat improved with a series of “I just met you" trivia. Well that got dry pretty quickly, and in one hour more or less, the guy asked for the check. He went on to say that he wanted to spend more time with me. I was like…
As a ridiculous ass empath, I still felt bad (which I really shouldn’t) about him not getting barbecue, so I was like you can grab some barbecue for later. He indeed had a long ass day and I could see fatigue in his eyes. He then asked if we could hang out tomorrow and I said sure…I mean why not (knowing I was reluctant af).
Post-Date
It was pretty brisk outside and the guy didn’t have on a coat because he left it in the car. My car was parked right in front of the restaurant and this mane DID NOT WALK ME TO MY CAR. Keep in mind we are in the county so it’s dark as hell. Like, even if you don’t like me, I’m cool with that, but I am accustomed to any man I am acquainted with to ensure I make it to my car safely. But nope. Dude was like…
Date One Summary
During my date break in 2020, the biggest thing I learned was not only what I DON’T want, but more importantly, what I DO want. One of the things that’s a non-negotiable is safety. If I feel like you aren’t willing to protect me physically, I question your ability to protect my emotions, and I most certainly don’t trust you with my spirit. Walking a 5’3 woman to her car at night is not a big ask and shouldn’t even have to be a damn question. My number one love language is “Acts of Service”, so nah, no match there. Also, I put effort into my appearance. Being a fashionable big girl is not simple…it’s a beautifully complex process. It’s art. Art should be admired. Not acknowledging my “walking art" is a no go.
Rewind to paragraph one: A big girl is always wondering, “does he really like big girls" and a big Black girl is wondering, damn, does he like big AND Black girls.” My Big, Black & Beautiful therapist dropped some gems and explained that you have every single right to remove yourself from any noun (people, place or thing) that heightens your anxiety or encourages negative or toxic self-reflections. Whew! A WHOLE WORD! So, I’m going to preach to myself and anyone else who has similar experiences--BIG BLACK GIRL FEELINGS MATTER!
Being a fashionable big girl is not simple…it’s a beautifully complex process.
While my first date of 2021 wasn’t a love connection, I still celebrate my growth and willingness to try. I had a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago and I told her that my lived experience with love was limited. I have a lot of familial love experience, but I am in constant struggle with Eros. It wasn’t a point of discouragement, once again, it represents the power of healing as I am forever striving toward the ultimate love--Agape.
So dassit. Dats the date. Until next time friends! To be continued…
